I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize