If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Randomize
