life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
