My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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