I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
