that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
