Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Too much gin, very little bucket
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
