I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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