toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I will pee on everything he values.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
