So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
