11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
