my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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