when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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