apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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