I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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