Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
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Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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