Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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