Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
