Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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