I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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