So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
