im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
