I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
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I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
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Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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