I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
