There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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