I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
