It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
