Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
