I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
