I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
