tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
