I'm gonna have a badass scar
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
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