tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
