I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
