if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize