Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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