i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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