I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I wish life had little blips of pornography
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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