just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Couch. On fire.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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