I could have mohawked her pubes.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
