you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
