this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
