Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
