She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
