I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
