Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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