I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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