I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
