Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
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