i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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