So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
3pm strippers are depressing
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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