I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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