I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
