I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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