I accidentally burped into my bong.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
