I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
