He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
