She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
