I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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