when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
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Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
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I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
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