I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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