Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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