I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
