I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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